This is so applicable, it’s scary (via Slate, http://www.slate.com/id/2275908/):
Dear Prudence,
My problem is my 22-year-old brother, who’s been coddled into uselessness by our mother. First some background on me: I have a slight limp due to the after-effects of a childhood illness. My mother was very protective of me, keeping me out of gym classes and certain field trips because she (mistakenly) thought the activities would be bad for me or that I would be embarrassed. By the time I went away to college, I realized how much I had missed because of her well-intentioned hovering. I managed to break away and live on my own terms. My brother, meanwhile, has his own issues. He has a small speech impediment and is socially awkward. My mom has indulged—even encouraged—his tendency to avoid the outside world. He’s been home-schooled since middle school and has never had a job. He attends community college, is nowhere near a degree, and basically hangs out at the house and fools around on the computer. Except for this blind spot, my mom is a wonderful person, and I love her more than anything. As for my father, I think he’s frustrated and wishes he’d done something about my brother sooner but now thinks it’s a lost cause. It’s painful to see my brother missing out on life. Is there any way I can intervene?
—My Brother’s Keeper?
Dear Keeper,
Your mother doesn’t just have a blind spot. As far as mothering is concerned, she has two inoperable cataracts. She may have wonderful qualities, but she sounds like a dismal parent. One of her central obligations was to prepare her children to be independent, productive people—instead, her approach was to emotionally cripple them. In a misguided attempt to protect you two from a possibly cruel world, and elevate herself as your protector, she sought to weaken you both. Thank goodness you had a core of resilience and made it out. But she became your brother’s whole world. He had no classmates, no teachers, no therapists, no friends. The result is a young man who’s been trained to be a parasite. So encompassing is your mother’s need to drain her children emotionally that your father gave up and let her ruin his son. A lot of remediation needs to be done here, but first your brother must acknowledge that he wants more out of life and that it’s going to require hard work. I’m not sure your mother is capable of admitting the gravity of the problem and her role in creating it. You should try to enlist your father to re-engage in your brother’s life. Tell him that it’s not fair to write off a 22-year-old. Your father needs to help formulate a plan to get your brother professional help with his social skills and independence—which might mean standing up to his wife. You should treat your brother as an adult. Take him out to dinner, talk to him out about what he would like to do with his life, and tell him you’d like to help him get there. Let’s hope it’s not too late to free him from being a hostage to your mother’s psyche.
—Prudie
